Little Helpers

“No one can know about this,” my husband whispers one day as he finds a pair of Milk’s pooey pants stuck to the landing radiator.

“We need a cleaner,” I say retrieving what looks like porridge, but frankly could be anything, from between the sofa cushions.

My husband shakes his head. “No, we don’t, we just need a rota.”

The rota is drawn up and stuck on the fridge. It is extremely detailed and is soon lost under pieces of paper covered in strange elongated sausages with big mouths, which Milk insists is a true representation of our family.

We end up living in a perpetual state of shame and embarrassment and panic cleaning. This involves running around with a pack of baby wipes, while tipping bleach down the toilet just before people arrive. Panic cleaning is directly linked to which rooms guests are going to step into. I need more people to stay the night so that upstairs gets a look in.

We have three hours until our friends arrive, but with Milk and Mayhem on the loose, that equates to about three minutes. Should I have done some cleaning before my children got up, perhaps at 4.30am? Creeping through the dark house with Marigolds and a damp cloth? Or, when the kids were asleep last night, stumbling around after a glass of wine, thinking “Ooh there’s a piece of thread from Milk’s school trousers on the floor”, but discovering it’s a giant house spider folded up for a surprise attack.

I suggest the only way to clean with little kids is to let them help.

“I’ll do upstairs with Milk, and you do downstairs with Mayhem,” my husband says quickly.

I suspect they will soon be lying on Milk’s bed watching Lego Ninjago.

I start with the kitchen floor. Mayhem finds a raisin. “Food” he says popping it in his mouth with a grin. He becomes obsessed with the mop. He watches as I twist out the bubbles, then screams and hides under the table, while I slop the water on the floor. After a bit he creeps out and grabs at the handle.

“My little helper,” I grimace as the mop is flicked about like an octopus having a fit. I try to extract the handle from his super human toddler grip. He is screaming and I am slipping around panting. I am also, ridiculously, trying to clean a little bit too. I do like to live up to the multi-tasking cliche, even if it involves some sort of mild child abuse.

I end up sitting in a pool of floor cleaner while Mayhem sobs into my hair. I’m wondering what will happen when the Hoover comes out, when he stops crying and starts pointing at the floor. I lean forwards, hoping it is a bit of dried banana, but it’s a spider’s leg, bent in half. The knee joint is there (do spiders have knees?) and there are hairs. I am certain the spider is somewhere nearby, watching us, kneeling on its seven knees, waiting until nightfall, when it can creep out and pretend to be a piece of thread.

I point at the leg. “Not food” I say as I get up to fetch the dustpan and brush.

“Food,” Mayhem repeats and when I return the spider leg is gone and Mayhem is playing trains on the sofa. My lovely little helper.